As a result of reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are foced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older employees by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediatly. The program will be known as RAPE, ( Retire Aged Personnel Early )
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW,(Surevey of Capabilities of Retired Workers)
All employess who have been RAPED or SCREWED, may file an appeal with upper management. THis will be called SHAFT, (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination )
Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company sees appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures he or she will be entitled to get HERPES, ( Half Earning of Retired Personnel Early Seyerance. )
As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has recieved HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue it's policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our SHIT,
( Special High Intensity Training. )
The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees recieve. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels that he or she does not recieve enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your Supervisor is especially trained to make sure you recieve all the SHIT you can stand.
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